Chocked Full of Life, Love, Hate, Drama and Healing

11:43am: Nope...
...its only you, you delusional, borderline psychopath.

OMFG.

11:40am: Enjoy your humble pie...
I
Fucking
Told
You
So.


Now Fucking Eat it.

Suits you right.

5:06pm: Riiiiiiiiight

11:17am: Five oh? or Five 7x3?
So I had definitely woken up late this morning. What do you expect from someone who hadn't slept for 46 hours before last night? Groggy, unhappy, blinded by daylight, and stiff from sleeping awkward, I climb out of bed and do the normal routine. Pants with my belt already looped on them, trudge to the closet for a shirt to wear, stop on the way out and in this order fill my pockets. Wallet, smokes, lighter, knife, and keys. Watch goes on right before I walk out the door... !? It's cool outside. No way I'm thinking as I take a deep breath. No mistaking it; It is definitely nice outside. A tiny smirk crosses my lips and I hop in the car, fire it up, and it says its 75 outside. Ahhh... nice.

Okay, so now I'm about 20 minutes late already, so I figure you know what, why rush? I'm already late. I make the typical cruise down Bellaire and I'm getting close to Eldridge. Some flamenco-like tune is eminating from the radio. Its quiet-like and not annoying, which is good early in the morning, because I've become an even slower riser, so I don't like to be shocked out of bed and energized by loud, angry, and sometimes retarded music. I used to be forced into waking up like that, by either ... well.... I'll keep those memories locked away to save unnecessary badgering. So anyway, as I'm rolling along, I see this small Toyota Tacoma with some numbers on the tailgate and think, oh gee that looks familiar. Back when I was an auto-parts monkey, I started out at the bottom and drove a truck just like it. Then my split second recollection turned into peculiarity. Everything seemed WAY to familiar. I caught a glimpse of the driver in the truck.

Now first of all, remember, it may be after 9am, but I've been awake for appoximately 10 minutes. Emotions that are remotely working that early for me are limited. Anger, nope that was still asleep. Sadness? Hell no, that generally wouldn't kick in until almost the end of the day (slowest to arise kind). Anxiety? Been awake 10 minutes, body and brain are still too numb. Only one emotion works that early in the morning for me. 90% of my focus is keeping the car in a straight line and not falling back asleep, the other 10% would be my sense of humor, which suprisingly enough, is the only thing that really works that early. I catch myself laughing in the car as I see the driver fidget with their hair, and glance in the rear view mirror. Yep, if you can see the driver in the mirror, they can see you too. Wonder tried to kick in, but humor shoved it out of the way as I recall somebody similar (because I'm not 100% sure the person in the rear view is the same one) going on about how they had had enough and quit.

* Lets assume they are one in the same person *

This is how "The Real World Houston" played out. Melrose Place drama where the "friend" turned into the theif (done deal, who cares). Line drawn, group I hang with shortened VERY LITTLE actually. (seems I got the better end of that deal) Other struggles but maintains an air of "I'm better off than ever before." (calling bullshit) Quits job thinking that the new other will handle it all (possible, not probable). Makes huge useless speech about being bored, finding job that I put them through school for (not totally, but without me, would have never happened), and being out of work, can devote themself to get the job in the field they went to school for. (We're now over a year from when their school ended and still nothing)

-by coincidence catch them back in the same shit-hole job driving the truck-

This is an amusing case of what goes around comes around.

Dan .. this post's for you! And don't forget to write next time you have concert tickets. I could use the trip to the UK.

2:04pm: From the ashes of the past we rebuild our future
I'm sorry... I had to do it.

I burned my first Dvd a few days ago. IT came out okay. I hope they make bigger than 4.7 gig discs so I don't have to edit out stuff. See, the disc will record 120 minutes of video. That's great if you make your own, or you don't mind splitting movies. Problem is, most movies are bigger, or with the extras or menus, they're WAY bigger. Disc to disc is kind of a fantasy.

As the title says, when people are confronted with natural disasters, they tighten up their belts and rebuild from the wreckage. That's fine and dandy and great, as long as there was wreckage to begin with. That, or if people claim responsibility for creating the disaster before blaming others for it. Some people still live in fairy-tale land, where one will close their eyes, cover their ears, and scream out as to not hear anyone, and blame everyone but themselves for what ever happens in their lives.

Sure, the package looks pretty now and all, but when you break it down to dollars and cents, nothings really changed. Sure it *looks* better, but in actuality, you can change your surroundings, but you can't change the people. Draw it out, and call it as you see it. Same car, wrecked bigtime on the door, your fault no doubt, no work, stuck at home, waiting for someone else to justify additional purpose in life. Saying that you've never been treated a certain way or been around somebody who made you feel a certain way, is just another cheesy way of weaseling out of what you may have done to not be treated a certain way in return.

Now before I go singing to the choir, I'll leave it there.

1:08pm: Every New Beginning has an End
Quick blurt.

Went to Bear Creek and played the presidents course. Shot a 102. Not bad for not being there in a while. Chris and Richard have taken up the interest, so we may actually make a day out of it. It's twice the cost of the driving range, but *way* better.

Drove home from the course, and lo and behold. Nothings changed...

...same car, still broken, still abused, and still not maintained properly. Sitting on a lift, hood up and warped to all hell, and something apparently wrong. Something I'm sure I'd probably get blamed for. Funny how that works. You abuse something that needs a little attention, and then blame it on the people that gave it to you in the first place. Just a hunch, but I don't expect to hear anything about it. *thank god*

...same idiots, working the same pathetic job, for the same god-aweful pay. You would think after brainwashing somebody that you can give them a better life than I could have, that some changes would be made. Nope. Not a darn thing.

...then again, this is just a superficial observation. I see, what I see.

I see no new car, which means that either somebody got ripped off out of their promise to be given a new car after a certain large transaction was made, or that the certain large transaction never happened because the buyer backed out for now the third time, and left them high and dry with now a lawyer bill, and a realtor one.

I see no new job, or maybe even the lack of one. Somewhere along the grapevine the words "I'll quit my job no matter what, I've had it" was floating around. Wouldn't doubt it. The type of individual in question wants everything handed to them, and the concept of hard work, although shown in spats here and there, is still an unknown to them in general.

(I just realized that this is one of those things that Dan would have a field day with.. as I'm sure he'll IM me about later.)

So... with all that being observed, said, whatever, I can say that where I'm at definitely beats the alternative. Definitely.

Winding down your personal "Trail of tears" will lead you to an episode of COPS. I can't wait to see it.

11:12pm: Meeting Girls at Starbucks
Okay, I'm sure some of this makes sense, but I tried to keep it light and funny at the same time.

JiggsH900: is there any place on this damn planet that I can go to by myself (seeing as how hard it is for me to get anyone to want to go anywhere with me) that I could meet nice girls that I don't have to want to screw
JiggsH900: if that makes any sense.
SnakeyesC9: starbucks
JiggsH900: it'd be cool to go by myself
JiggsH900: so how does that work
SnakeyesC9: yup
SnakeyesC9: I told you before
SnakeyesC9: you just kinda sit outside
JiggsH900: do i look for some girl sitting by herself?
SnakeyesC9: or inside
JiggsH900: or sit alone and wait for a girl to come to me
JiggsH900: yeah figures
SnakeyesC9: maybe she's talking to people
SnakeyesC9: says something loud enough to where she wants someone else to give their opinion on a matter to them
JiggsH900: cause I know of two starbucks pretty close to me
SnakeyesC9: you say something, move closer, yada yada
JiggsH900: okay heres another scenario
SnakeyesC9: next thing you know... BAM, you're doing it in a burger king bathroom
JiggsH900: i dont know shit about whatever whoever is talking about
SnakeyesC9: okay, scratch that last part
JiggsH900: heh
SnakeyesC9: if you have nothing to add to their conversation, then just wait till you can
SnakeyesC9: or go to another one ;-)
JiggsH900: yeah
SnakeyesC9: thursday nights are pretty good
JiggsH900: whats ettiqute (sp) on a girl sitting alone reading a book? interrupt her reading?
SnakeyesC9: cause that's when there's some high schoolers there before or after sporting events ;-)
SnakeyesC9: hmm
SnakeyesC9: readers are touchy
JiggsH900: well the ones down here may be a bit different for all i know
JiggsH900: there is the one directly attached to b&n
SnakeyesC9: if they look *really* into what they're doing, they probably don't want to be disturbed
JiggsH900: and then another one a little further up bay area blvd.
JiggsH900: high schoolers!? fuck that!
SnakeyesC9: but if they look like they're casually passing the time, check the title of what they're reading and see if its of any interest to you
SnakeyesC9: then you can ask them what they're reading about...
SnakeyesC9: and BAM
SnakeyesC9: next thing you know... burger king bathroom
SnakeyesC9: okay, scratch the last part again ;-)
JiggsH900: you're a clown man. heh
SnakeyesC9: you said you wanted someone to make you laugh damnit
JiggsH900: well yeah
SnakeyesC9: next scenario
JiggsH900: ok
SnakeyesC9: girl in group of girls
SnakeyesC9: talking about whatever
SnakeyesC9: maybe stupid boys
SnakeyesC9: or something
SnakeyesC9: try to make yourself visible
SnakeyesC9: especially when they're trying to over-generalize men
JiggsH900: visible is not one of my strong points :-P
SnakeyesC9: come out with the "hey, we're not all like that"
JiggsH900: nod
SnakeyesC9: then separate the weak lamb from the flock
SnakeyesC9: next thing ya know...
JiggsH900: LOL
SnakeyesC9: BAM
SnakeyesC9: pak pak pak pak
SnakeyesC9: BK Bathroom
SnakeyesC9: heheheheh
JiggsH900: okay really laughing now thanks.
SnakeyesC9: I think I'm gonna put this on my LJ :-P

10:12am: Friday wrap up
*yawn and stretch*

Yup.

So I spent all of last night trying to repair my poor lockdown trunk actuator. See, what happens is, there will come a day when you put something that's exactly half an inch taller than your trunk can handle and you'll force it down anyway. The little electric motor will work, but the microswitch that turns it off will be bent out of shape and make that little motor run all night long, killing your battery!

Okay, so the motor still works, but that little switch is dead. I'll fix it tomorrow. Yeah, so my caddy is nothing but cosmetics here and there, but for the most part, it's still cherry. Oh yeah, mental note : oil change. Sure would be nice if I had my fucking tools, but they were stolen by a bottom-feeder.

Speaking of the devil. Let's say you have something of somebody's and you're angry at this person. How often will your abuse, break, or throw away their possession out of anger? Well... like I said before... my car runs fine, but the one I bought and kept up with for somebody else is obviously fucked. See, this is what happens when you're an idiot who abuses something that you need to make your livelihood every day and when you're around fellow idiots who don't know the first thing about taking care of a car in the first place. I could also state rather matter-of-factly that bad things do obviously happen in 3's. First the car, then the job, and well... the last part, I'll just keep to myself since history has proven that those secrets were always left hidden from the other. What a total waste I think sometimes. You put somebody through school, and they don't use what they learned. Laziness I tell you. To add insult to injury, there's no job, no car, and no purpose. What a fucking bum. (Oh, did I mention that half of those things were done by choice? I mean seriously, who chooses to not work and do nothing all day but sit in their ass and get fat?)

Not my problem! Oh wait... yeah, okay... three's.. a third I can mention. How bout corruption of your friends and ruining their pairing? There... so the 4th is the big secret.

I'm gonna finish my 8 hour day, get in my car, and spend my money. Yeah, cause I earned it.. and I worked for it. And I'm not gonna sit on my ass and get fat.

12:32pm: Reminicense
...not to be confused with Evanescense. (groan.. hey, it's early okay?)

I found this old journal I used to keep back in my senior year of high school. I think I could thank my english teacher for having me keep up with it. At first it was a Monday and Friday 6th period thing. What it ended up being was a chronicle of my whole senior year, and the summer as well. I could have stopped in June, but for some reason, I took it all the way to September. That year was apparently the most dramatic too. So many things happened back then. Most seem pretty insignificant now, but they must have been important to me at that time or I wouldn't have gone into so much detail. Reading back on them made it real easy to visualize what happened. If the book holds up, I'll probably never forget what happened. That year was my first real 40 hour a week job, then when I moved to Jim's computer shop, how I got my dad's RX-7 towed off from Numbers, and when I blew the motor on it shortly after. It had the day we bought the Camaro brand new off the showroom floor, and even when I took some night school. I even had an entry where my buddy Kola met for the first time a girl named Shelly, that lived down in First Colony, and the hilarity that ensued when we got there. How we made him go to the door all by himself while me and a friend sat back in the truck and watched him. He was slumped and trying to make himself look small and timid. The door opening and the person who stepped out first is what caught my attention. The drama that ensued with her afterwards found its way to a lot of my entries. One of the neater block of entries was when my teacher came back from an almost 5 month leave due to a nasty accident with a cement truck. He was just as jovial as before, and I remember quoting all the puns he had about the experience on lifeflight.

It was when I hit June and I was in summer school to fill out a couple extra credits to make my transcript look good is where things were interesting. I originally went to Kempner in Sugarland my first two years, and they had built a new high school closer to me. I graduated from Austin, but my summer school sent me back to Kempner for two months. I recall writing about how I could thank Mr. Wales, the accident prone english teacher for keeping me occupied and still writing after all this time. ( I actually credit him for getting me in to the habit of writing to this day.) The whole time I was there it wasn't about the 4 hours a day I was there, but rather the 30 minutes during the break and the time spent there; mainly the last 5 minutes of it when all her and all of my buddies were gone and we'd have time to chat. I spent over a week writing about how I was writing a letter, to clear the air, and to basically say "Look, this is what I got, this is what I'm offering, and you just had to know because I don't know if I'll see you again after this." It then took me another 3 or 4 days just to deliver it. Obviously I didn't get the expected result, and I moped about it, but thankfully, it was one of the last days I was there, and I bowed out and disappeared much like she did. Sure it kind of stung, but I tried my best for it, and circumstances didn't allow. It *did* make an impact however because I'm told that she still has it. Whether or not that's true, I'll never know, but even being told that is kinda neat.

Well, this morning something strange kinda happened. I was thinking back even farther than that. I was trying really hard to remember my freshman year at Kempner. Yeah, it wasn't the typical get picked on by all the bigger guys and upper classmen like most of my fellow-fish. Being a band-dork back then really paid off. I beat all the upper-classmen. I was at the top. I was the soloist that put all the seniors marching their last year in high-school back in the regular formations. I got their respect because I had talent. I got their protection from other upper-classmen just by association. I grew up a hell of a lot faster than I needed to because I was surrounded by people a few years older than I was. I was comfortable with that. I actually got irritated by being in any other classes that were all fish because they annoyed me. I wasn't better than they were, I was just more mentally developed and didn't tolerate the norm. I kind of miss those days actually. Life was more dramatic, but quite a bit simpler. ( Yeah, that sounds like an old-man's speech I know. ) Austin screwed up my life actually. Nothing went right there. It was a brand new place and they were still feeling it out. Sure it was cool being the first graduating class, but things were so messed up that I don't mind that I don't remember much of the place. There was no varsity the first year, or prom either. My senior year had one, but my date got sick so I hung out with her at the house instead. Yearbook crew screwed up and a 5th of the graduating classes pictures didn't get put in there, mine included. It's almost like I was never there. If I were to whip out the yearbook, you won't see my name or my picture in it. It kinda sucks because like my dad, I won't be able to show my kids what the 'old man' looked like growing up. I obviously didn't settle down with my highschool sweetheart too, so she wouldn't be able to just tell them.

Weekend...

Still a little reminicent. Went to my new stomping grounds. Believe me, it's nice, and entertaining, and there's a lot of people there and they don't look like bums like the old places I used to frequent. These people are well-off, and dressed like it to match. They drink beer just like we do, but they're not loud, obnoxious slobs. So we're playing pool, in this loft-like place and waiting on a friend that just got back from Iraq. So we got there at around 9 and started shooting pool. Clay shows up around 11:30. The whole time not a single waitress is taking orders for us. We're practically across from the bar too. Around 12:30 a waitress finally walks up and says we have a problem and that she never started the tab and didn't know we were assigned to her area. Yeah, we were honest about what time we got there. She took our first order, which was actually the last one for the night too. While we were playing, I noticed this one couple come in. This guy looked like a Rob Thomas reject, but it was who he brought with him that stood out in my mind. She was about 5 foot 6, had platinum blonde hair and around 130-145ish pounds. When she stood with her back turned to us is when that whole reminicing thing started working. (Bet you guys thought I'd stray away from the theme huh?) Yeah... so I noticed around the whole place who *everyone* would shoot a glance her way. I looked that the guy and wondered what was going on in *his* head. He seemed a little uneasy. They got there around 11, and left at the same time we did. I just remember thinking the whole time as I shot failed rounds of 9-ball... "Ya know... I used to be that guy." Ya know, the one who was always just a little uneasy because he brought the center of attention with him. Yeah, that was me. It was kind of a wanted stress though. It was nice to have. No, I didn't put an end to that or I wouldn't be "reminicent" of it. It was a mixture of deceipt, and a whole lot of unfaithfulness that ruined that. Of course the other side will twist and demonize this somehow into a blame war. Like back in high-school... I did my part, and I tried to keep my relationship as string free as possible. I guess you can't really do that in real life though huh?


So.... what made me write so much on being reminisecent in the first place, and why did I take the time to write it here?

...it's because I rememebered what today was. If you thought the first 25 we're hell, the next 25 might just overwhelm you.

9:50am: In lieu of Dcuk's kinda posting...
I thought about asking myself why in the world I would waste my time writing something like this, but the answer it kinda simple. Things are uber slow at work and I have enough time to spit this out like I wanted to a few days ago. Ya know, I may have spat off a lot of mean things the last few entries, but it could and should have been a lot worse. I mean, I thought about it a little last night and figured out that I'm more mad at myself than I am at anyone else. I should be. I'm upset at the idea that I didn't cut things shorter before Mr. Catfish Face weaseled around...

(note : The word 'bitch' doesn't get tossed around lightly in my journal.. it is a title *earned* by the recipient and in no way generalizes a particular group of people)

See, what I should have done was speak my mind when I saw all this even begin to materialize. I noticed it, but was lied to repeatedly on both sides about "Oh, it's nothing, dude, we're friends." and other mindless drivel of the sort. I should have just told the bitch, "Look, him or me... prove that he's just a friend cause he was mine YEARS before he met you." It would have been a lot easier that way.. ultimatum and all... well, was it really? I mean seriously, the bitch cheated on me and lied to my face about it for god sakes right? But if I caught it at the beginning like that, and got the "You can't make me choose between a friend and you." I could have simply made the choice for them, and gathered all my shit and left.

Did I? Nope. Got lied to about that too. Remember the whole "cheating, whore" thing I wrote? Yep... same holds true still. Cheatin whore with some fish-faced skank. So, the final insult was... they got their computer and their car fixed before ultimately fucking me over. Add to that a ton of stuff I left over there because I never thought in a million years that the bitch would turn around and stab me in the back. The cross-eyed little hairball I expected it from, but I don't have to deal, look, or smell his stench anymore so it's not so bad. Oh well... I'm free, and I'm working.. and I'm about to wreak some serious havok on others that deserve FAR worse than they're about to get.

Dan... this is gonna be amusing even by our standards!

1:53am: Song from an old Kodak Commercial
It was very old... had a kid dressed up in church choir clothing, and he sang a song... I remember what the song was called... but I was just wondering how many of you remember which commercial I'm talking about.

There was a movie with the same title.

Crayola had something to do with them for many years.

*here's where things won't make sense*

Some people don't hide very well.

Some folks are still cold fish after 5 years y0!

Across the Atlantic, for people who are so over one another, one sure has mentioned the other an aweful lot.

Across the Pacific, someone needs to explain "lah" and what the hell you crazy singaporeans are saying it for if it really has no meaning.

...and a riddle. If you built a home with somebody else's materials, is it really yours?

Yes, a tree makes a sound when it falls and no one is there to hear it. Hopefully it crushed the squirrel who fucked with it.

10:08pm: Insomniac ... with .. me.. who used to not be me, who decided to say something real fast
...even though I already decided to pitch this nightmare.

I almost feel like I *wasted* the time reading through my old friends list.
Till I ran across a few things.

So I decided to share some input on my observations.

* My ass is registered for college again

* I'm back to work, and doing something I like and don't have to work weekends anymore

* I drink like a fish and prefer beer from the tap instead of a can or bottle anyday

* I have one person in real life I can call my friend and that's really all anyone needs

* I have *two* cars now, one works, the other one is about to.

* My life seems to be heading in a decent direction... although lonely, I'm getting somewhere... no rants, no whining, no bad days, no bullshit

* I could use a pitcher of beer right now actually

* Seems like people's understanding of suicide isn't so negative anymore when it actually hits close to home. Funny how that works... takes close to home kinds of things to make you understanding.

* Seems like people are still drowning in the miseries of life and all its splendor. Nothing changes, just the actors playing the roles.

* ...and I might just drop an observation or two again someday.

4:15pm: The man who has two women, two kids, and a house away from the both of them... the model "man"
I have a new reader. I did not invite this reader, nor have I ever had any respect for this reader. I would however like to stop holding my tongue once and for all.

I decided to take the decent way and be quiet, but every single time I do such a thing, I am revealed how much bullshit everything really was.

I was told to grow up and that I had no concept of what family was about.

This new reader is in their mid-40's, pops pills like some retarded junkie and reaches for any excuse under the sun to justify it. Their sense of parenting turned their own child into a defiant that uses people, and uses her ass like a form of currency. Sex absolutely has no value to them. Furthermore, their idea of parenting is a pathetic joke, and rather than watching or *teaching* the child anything beneficial to their development, they're too busy daydreaming about all the money they're going to blow and smoking the kitchen while the child does god-knows what in another room. Then when the child's mother gets home, she is treated like a parental inferior to this reader.

So let's recap ... pill-popper, money waster, child tether and nothing more, and I'm the one who has no sense of parenthood and needs to grow up. Riiiight.

Anyhow, the lie has proven itself ever-so clear.

It's been nearly a month, and I haven't seen a shred of what belongs to me, so I was involved with a thief.

I was told that we'd never work out and that they needed to focus on themselves, but then they turn around and end right back up with the cross-eyed backstabbing little weasel I used to call a friend. This human catfish can suck a dick because I know the bitch cheated on me obviously.

I was with a whore who obviously uses what's between her legs to get what she wants because the sheets weren't even cooled off from my body heat before she brought that ferret-faced asshole in to her bed.

We didn't work because I couldn't afford her.

Oh, and the kicker... I got my ass chewed out way back when because I spent a little money on my car instead of saving it to move. Her sorry excuse for a man (who happens to live with someone else's family because he's 28 and can't take care of himself) turns around and buys a set of wheels rather than saving his money to move.

So how's it feel ya stupid bitch? Car was more important than you. Save the excuse and lame comments. I don't want to hear the "Well, it doesn't matters." or whatever.

Oh, and stop the lie, maybe you should tell your bitch that you left him for me, then lied to him about it too.. no sense in starting your next failure under that lie too. Oh wait, the next disappointment is being watched by your mom, who hasn't taught your daughter a god-damned thing. That'll go over real well in the fall come school-time.

Mad? A little.. only because I was lied to.

Was this brutal and meaner than it should have been. Probably, but could you honestly blame me? I dated someone who turned into the monster she got away from 5 years ago.

Was this to stir up drama? No. This was merely my way of making public the little things that I overlooked for so many years that everyone looked down on me for accepting. Fuck you and have a nice day.

There's a song lyric that really stand out...

"...you selfish bitch, I hope you rot in hell for this shit."

oh, and the part where "...mom and dad popping pills on the kitchen table."

Oh, and one last thing... unfortunately I lost three friends in all of this. One who's face looks like a drunken Van Gogh, and two who support the decisions of the liar I was involved with.

I choose not to surround myself with the people who would befriend someone who could do this to *me*. You're no friend of mine if you'd support the damage they did to me. So *you* grow the fuck up, because obviously your morals are swayed by favoritism.

This is not a run away either... I'm leaving Livejournal. There's nothing here but lies, deciept, and bad memories of a person who would rather choose to wallow in the gutter of life, than be a decent member of society.

Congratulations, I should have known better all those years ago. I curse the day.

5:30pm: Where the heart is...
I've been in a shell all week. I don't check my mail because I fear that there will be a reminder of my failure waiting for me there. My folks looked at me in a very different light today. We were sitting in the livingroom, and out of nowhere I finally realized what today is. I sat there, rolled my head away from their view as best as I could and began to cry. Right there, in the livingroom, my mom and dad saw me cry. They didn't say a word, because I think they already knew why. What is the point of me saying all of this you might ask? I'll tell you.

This year, tonight and tomorrow, I want you all to look at the world around you. I want you to see the people you love and cherish near you. As you think about them, and hold them, and just... look at them, I want you all to remember a few things.

I want you to remember how you got there, and how they came to be in your life.
I want you to understand how important they really are to you.
I want you to LET THEM KNOW how much they mean to you.
I want you to realize how you may have taken them for granted.
I want you to be grateful for having them grace your presence every day.
I want you to know, that as easy as you have them, you can lose them in a blink of an eye.
I want you to hold them and cherish them, and open your heart to them and make sure they know how much you love and care about them.

Today, tonight, tomorrow, this season, is the time that is supposed to show you what it's all about. What the spirit of the holidays truly mean.

Realize that those of you who have the people you love and the lucky ones. We are not all as fortunate as you are. You are envied. You are adored. You make me jealous beyond human comprehension.

Finally...

I want you, to have what I will never have again. I want you, as much as you cherish the ones you love, to feel the same love in return.

Goodbye, and Merry Christmas to you all.

10:22pm: I can't live this lie anymore...
Six feet under rock bottom is not a place I would recommend to any of you all out there. Food has no taste what very little I eat, and my eyes are getting heavier with every passing day I go with half an hour of sleep here, or an hour there when I'm lucky. I'm haunted by nightmares of my failure. I had been told not to blame myself for what's happened, and I find it difficult not to in some way. What really ate at me the most is the idea that nobody tried or made as many changes as I did. It was like it didn't mean anything to anybody.

All I know is, one person was right... I may have been miserable with them, but I'm far worse off without them.

I think I'm going to be sick.

The entire notion of being without them makes my stomach turn on end, and I have this thick metallic taste in my mouth.

I'm never going to see "Return of the King" because the whole series was ours.
I'm never going to listen to Nickleback or Three Doors down, or Lifehouse, or .. I'm not going to be listening to a lot of things anymore.
I can't watch King of Queens very well.
I can't watch *anything* that has happy couples in it.
I tried all day to watch Turner Classic Movies today and I threw up every time.. every single time. Classic movies have the sappiest love scenes. I lost the water I drank. I was down to stomach acids and bile.
My folks have been watching me funny and I think they know somethings up.

I'm trying really hard not to think about what happened ... but I can't help it.

I'm going to be sick.

3:27pm: Whatever gets you through the night...
Whatever gets you through the night...

I wrote an entry a while back called "Reflections on the three-year lie." It wasn't very accurate. Somewhere in there was a 9-month hiatus, and a 3 month hiatus, and a 1 month betrayal in there. So In actuality, it would have been more like a year and 11 months. In all that time, there were promises made, and some were kept. The biggest problem I faced was a mix of trust and worry. Every time I was left behind, I couldn't just pick up where things left off and act like it never happened. I tried to, and I forced myself to for the most part, but there was a little part of me that said "Just wait it out and see if you get burned again before you give all of yourself to them again."

I worked a lousy job for almost two years to make just enough money to make sure they got to school or had money to pay a bill when they were asked, or when they wanted to go out and unwind to have a night off to go out. There were times where all we did was drive around to kill time.

Every time I saved up a little money to move us out, and take things farther, something would come up.. anything. Car needed repair, insurance was due, there weren't enough groceries in the house, just something would always chip away at money saved.

It seems that every time the money went, things got taken care of, but later on it would come into an arguement of how I'm not saving money, and getting our priorities straight and we're still not moved out. All I wanted this whole time was for her to realize where the money went before she brought up that in an arguement. That never happened.

When I lost my job (because of her car), things got a little tough. Basically, I was back to square one. She met me when I was in school and out of work. Here I was, once again out of work. She knew how hard the job market was, and realized I was doing what I could. She lost patience. The confidant became the love interest and provider. For a month I was in total emotional agony knowing that the woman I loved was giving that love to someone else. I tried so hard to convince her that it was a farse. She realized that on her own. Unfortunately damage was done. I tried to elimiate the problem to help me forget and move on from the disaster. She refused. He did her "no wrong" in her eyes. I told her he destroyed a friendship and hurt the man "she loves" in the process, to take the burden of blame completely off her shoulders. She understood, but still refused to let him go.

It seems like every time I get close to something good, or being near where I need to be to be that provider that is expected of me, she bails. She loses patience near the end when things *would* happen.

I am offered a job that the pay the starts at 50 grand a year. It's never been about the money, but that kind of opportunity would have taken away everything we ever fought about. We would be in our own place, we would have been well off. No worries about bills, or car repairs, or groceries, or the ridicule of our families for being together. All our burdens would have been lifted. We wouldn't turn against one another and show our ugly sides and our mean attitudes, and most of all, we'd be happy.. and together.

Today.. she has severed that tie. I was just a few days away from that job. We would have been in an interview and that would have been it. Then it was a matter of placement while I'm working another job in the mean time. So cold, and so bitter. And to be told I deserved the treatment I was getting was what hurt the most. After all I've done and all I've forgiven and all that I had tolerated. I changed myself because I thought it was for the better. I got it all thrown back in my face and was told I deserved the cold shoulder.

I was

so close.

Now I've never been so far away. The woman I love says she doesn't hate me, and isn't mad at me, but wants nothing to do with me. I have to disappear from her life because she wants to ignore her heart. She wants to walk away. She has to be cold and heartless.

She has to not care... and show me that she never has being the way she is right now.

I guess it's the only way she can sleep at night.

I died in her life.

...and the only thing that eats me alive is, I lost a daughter in the whole thing.

3:46pm: Fear
Fear...

I recently read something that I was told in the past not to take personally before. So before I do what I typically do, I'm not going to read into anything without asking first.

What I can tell you is, everyone has their own fears. My fear is that I may have been given an opportunity, as slim as it has been offered, but in actuality, the more time goes by, the more the opportunity is slipping away. My fear is that the longer we are without, the more convinced or they more they are convincing themselves to walk away. I shudder from the impact that the person more important, and a separate person who prys into my life, both rub off like they *want* this to fail. Like they would take enjoyment in my own personal misery and heartache.

I hope I'm wrong... like I said, I'm not going to read into anything without asking.

It's just.... something I've been recently afraid of lately.

I really hope I'm wrong.


What it's all about

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

12:26am: Coming to an X-box near you...
So, it looks like the blame game begins...

I won't go and fight back about it... maybe it is partly my fault, but I'm not oging to brag about it, or even point out others either.

Why?

What's that solve?

You wanna fix your situation, or do you want to keep making it worse by picking a fight or laying blame? How's *that* fixing anything?

10:20pm: Addendum...
Dad on puter late tonight...

I'm sleepy...

Going to bed... cold in here.

Nighty night all.

4:35pm: Can you say Fifty-thousand?
I can!

Oh my god, today went fantastic at my interview. I went to bed *really* early and I swore I heard a certain someone call at about 2 in the morning'ish to check to see if I was ignoring them (I sure wasn't... had to wake up early so I had to sleep eaaarly).

It paid off.

Remember, I called this place that called *me* saying they recieved my resume. I did not send it to them. I was chosen from a potential 2,000 applicants, and I was in the top 80 just to be in that room. I met Dr. John Reed. What a great guy! He's a doctor of psychology, so he and I had a lot to talk about. He even gave me recommendations for who and where to further my education in that field. In the mean time, we talked about my goals, aspirations, and even Misty. His eyes lit up when I talked to him about how I'm only 24, but I'm focused on doing what's best for my family. He gave me a bunch of profile evaluations, and gave me one that he asked me to have Misty fill out too.

What caught my attention was this one line...

"I don't want to startle you, but the position I'm considering you for starts at 50-thousand a year, I'm sure you'll be okay with the extra money right?"

*Huge Grin*

Anyway, the purpose for this interview was to see if I qualified to be in the top 40, then from that 40, I would be chosen in the 18 that get hired.

Well... he told me to skip the 40 part. My credentials are more then acceptable to him, and as soon as I fill out this paperwork and come in for an orientation, he's going to do whatever it takes to get me working. What a relief!

Perhaps that "job I wish that would fall into my lap" just did. I'm excited about it. Not only for myself.. but for us.

One catch though. He wants to interview and review the evaluations in person.. with Misty there with me. He says that "she'll know you better than any question I can ask you." I totally agree. I hope she'll come with me to it.

I know I pushed hard, and I know I failed a lot, and I know I had my share of dishing out dissapointment, but I feel really confident that if she were to come through for *us* in this, that it will definitely pay off!

I didn't stop there... I was placed into a temp agency Monday as well, and they're certain that I'll have 3 or 4 assignments ready by next Monday. I also have to take my little self to Toshiba tomorrow.

I'm not gonna stop.. I can't, it's all too important to me now.

One more thing...

Sweety, it's not so much that I may have rubbed off selfish, but I think you know that I'm just misunderstood and ignorant sometimes. I can't watch squat on tv either... I hope to change that soon with you.

6:51pm: Easiest Interview ... ever! (The voice of the comic-book guy on the Simpsons)
Today... productive. Period.

Woke up, cleaned up, headed out. Got there on time! Mountain of paperwork. Interview in 5 minutes. Aptitude test that took about an hour or so. Made the other guy that was there with me look like ass, even though he was in a cheesy suit. Told my salary requirement is easily achieved in that place. Said that I should have 3 or 4 offers just this week alone and that I coulds tart as early as Thursday.

Tomorrow brings the big interview at the Wells Fargo Tower. Not so nervous anymore for two reasons. This one today was a cake walk, and I have motivation to get what I want.

Afterwards its a swing-shot to Gateway at First Colony. Gotta keep all options open and take the best offer.

I'm gonna milk it for everything its worth.

I has asked why I didn't realize things for the last few years, and I wasn't sure how to answer it. Somebody already had that answer in a song for me. It's almost all true, except the "but right now" part... that might have been true in the past.


How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
and tried to turn the tables?

I wish you'd unclench your fists
and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this,
but don?t think it's too late

Nothin's wrong just as long as you know that someday I will
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright,
but not right now
I know you're wondering away

You're the only one who knows that
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright,
but not right now
I know you're wondering away

And I hope that since we're here anyway,
we can end it, saying
Things we've always needed to say,
so we can end up staying

Now the story's played out like this
just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothin's wrong just as long as you know that someday I will,
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you're wondering away

You're the only one who knows that
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you're wondering away

You're the only one who knows that

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
and tried to turn the tables?

I wish you'd unclench your fists
and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this,
but don?t think it's too late

Nothin's wrong just as long as you know that someday
somehow I'm gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you're wondering away

You're the only one who knows that
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you're wondering away

You're the only one who knows that
I know you're wondering away

You're the only one who knows that
I know you're wondering when

1:21pm: How UNTRUE this almost was...
I did this as a joke, but then I came to realize how not true this really was. If I didn't try throwing up so many times, and didn't try staying awake all night, I'm pretty sure last night would have been it. I made a bowl of "cereal" with pills and liquor instead of milk and ate the whole thing. There were only three people in the world that I really needed to talk to, to reach out to me, and make me realize what a mistake I made. I was really scared when I tried throwing up about an hour later when nothing solid came back up. I'm not even sure why I would speak of such an embarassing thing, but I realized that I need to try harder to make the woman I love happy. I need her to make sure I don't do anything this stupid ever again. And she needs me to make sure she doesn't do the same thing. I read about that, and every time I take stupid pills or read or hears she does, I think of those damn Eminem lyrics about the parents popping pills at the kitchen table. My daughter does not deserve parents like that. I promise myself, and to her the most that she won't ever have those parents again. I won't do again. I just need my Misty to be there with me. I need her to keep us from falling apart. I need to quit feeling rejected in my hour of need. I need her... and I know she needs me too.

What will your Funeral be like? by rashock
Username
You will die by:	Terrible animal attack while you were out hiking in the mountains. Seemed that you made good animal food, definately a closed casket.
Death Date:	July 20, 2070
Number attending your funeral?	1
How much will you leave to friends and family?	$541,751
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

8:14pm: This is what it's like...
What kind of "man" would I be, if I were to just turn and walk away just because I was told that I'd be better off without somebody? If I let that happen, I wouldn't be a man at all. I'd be a spineless coward that took the easy way out, when I knew damn well, that I can always try harder. The bar has been raised yet again, and I want to answer the challenge.

I may have lost my family. I may have taken it for granted. I may have been guilty of making things a little more difficult at times. I have *always* tried to talk them out though. I was told last night that I really need to just sit her down and talk to her myself instead of having someone else talk to her. I have been so cold and empty all day.

I feel like I was punched in the stomach and had the breath knocked out of me.

I can't just let this happen.

I have to keep trying.

She and her daughter are the women I love.

They're my heart, and my family, and I can't just walk away.

I've got to try.

Please understand... everyone.

8:09pm: Life without love...
...is just lazy.

I spent today driving around with a friend of mine locating the place I have my interview at. I also set up a second interview for Monday, and have plans to speak to human resources at Toshiba. So with all this free time I've had, I've made sure I made the most use of it. I've got the first half of the next business week all stacked up already. I was really hoping to have a relaxed weekend with my two special girls, and go into the beginning of next week brimming with confidence that I'm doing this for the best of the family I want to have.

Rather, I'm here at home.

Still.

Ya know, I'm not mad about it. What kind of hurts is how non-chalant I'm being treated about this whole thing. I'm being treated like this is all my fault and that I caused it *all*. Ya know, maybe I started the arguing or fighting, but I can't end it all by myself. Believe me, I'd like to see it end. I'd like to be back with my baby, and snuggling up to a movie after sharing with her the good news of all the potential work that's coming my way. It'd be nice to play around with Callisto for a little while before she goes to bed and have all day tomorrow to play around, and watch Finding Nemo and just goofing off. I'd like to fall into a gentle sleep and wake up with the woman I love smiling back at me and say good morning.

It costs nothing... but I can't have it either.

She won't let me.

I was just wandering around, and three sets of people (that's 6 people) were online. Two couples and a third that has the potential to be one. The first couple is running late because they weren't around each other all week. Now they get the weekend together. They were aching to be with one another. The second couple I'm pretty sure live together, and are very much in love (as they deserve and should be), and .. uhh.. well, they needed "something to wear" before they left. The third aren't a couple yet, but they're very playful, and I'd be willing to bet that they're not telling each other something yet.

In all these cases, I'm sitting here and being the epidomy of envy.

You see, Misty still goes through her days and *something* in her day makes her laugh or happy. She doesn't *need* me like I need her. There is nothing that can make me just sit there and laugh and make me feel like I had a good day without knowing that my baby loves me and misses me. Being that I've been in this fight for now two weeks, I feel like she would rather see me just go to hell.

...then I was asked if I was coming along tonight with the three couples.

I said no.

I wouldn't fit.

I'd be the outsider, the loner.

And my better half would rather keep it that way. I've kept the phone open, and the line free, and she refuses to speak to me. I tried. She doesn't care.

Prove me wrong... please.
I'm not asking for your pity... I'm asking for *you* .

Let's re-write an ending that fits, instead of a Hollywood Horror.

6:33pm: Seems kinda strange...
This is normally the "bad time" of year for me. I think it's actually a bad time of year for everyone that can't "buy" their happieness for the season. Most people think they didn't buy enough to express joy of family and friends, or they feel like they weren't good enough or didn't put enough effort into making "this Christmas the gosh-darn best one ever!" Anyway, I'm sure everyone has their reasons to mope, but I can't recall them all.

My day started off very well. I called back a head-hunter that I didn't even send my info to. According to her, she found me and was very excited to contact me for an interview. Wow... after 4 months, the system works. So, come Tuesday morning, I have an interview with Wells Fargo at the Tower in the Galleria area. Sweet! I got home early from venturing out looking for work, and being I didn't want to waste the day, I decided to check out another Agency that specifically is for office and tech jobs. I got in the car, and drove out there and set up an appointment for Monday afternoon.

Then it was close to rush hour and I really wanted to get home before 6 because I thought maybe *just maybe* I'd have a visitor that might be *done* fuming over something stupid I did several days ago. So I'm cruising home, taking the back-roads of North Houston and manage to make it home in a little under an hour. This is from Greenspoint Mall area down to Southwest Houston just north of Sugarland... and this is at 4:30! This is a feat! I'm listening to the radio, and recalling my day, and how great it went and how potentially well things can end up from it, and I just start bawling. Yeah, me Mr. Tough guy breaks down in the car, doing 70 mph on a back-road and wiping away golf-ball sized tears so I don't rear-end somebody. Even more so, all these sappy songs start coming on the radio, and when I flip stations, another one is on, or they're playing the one I just heard. I'm thumbing through stuff like Three Doors Down's "Here without you" and a bunch of Stain'd, and even Tim Mcgraw when I got sick of the other shit on the radio.

I guess what got to me is here I am with the potential to land that job that I was complaining about not falling into my lap, and I'm stuck here in the middle of a *stupid* fight over something that I did in the heat of anger that I didn't make public to humiliate anyone, and now I feel like I'm doing all of this for nothing. I've even kept myself offline at night and going to bed early in the hopes that maybe she'll get over this episode and come to her senses and try to *talk* to me rather than just blowing me off an avoiding me. She did something *really* nice Monday, and I was very thankful for that, but then she turns around and pulls the old "burn and run" thing and I'm at home, by myself, avoided as usual, wondering what in the hell is going to happen next.

...always having to look over my shoulder. My neck is getting sore. It sure would be nice to look straight-ahead and not worry about things like that. Especially since *we* are the one's causing the drama in the first place.

If I were asked "What do I think is going to happen" right now, I would honestly say that I think I'm going to land this really good job, make a bunch of money, and have a bomb dropped on me and back at square one. I can't say that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, because she hasn't told me there is one. Rather, I'm shut out... again. Wondering what the heck she's going to do next.

Great job, good money, potential to finally make something of myself.... possibly BY myself.

I feel like I wouldn't want it, if that's the way it's going to end up.